You know it’s funny…the shower is where so many good things happen. I sing in there, I think in there, I wash a way a bad day in there, and I even…well…anyways in there. Showers are cleansing not only to the body but the mind. I came to a realization just now while in there. I’m almost afraid to admit it because that would mean I have fought and argued for years to plead my case when most of you were right about me from the start. I truly have been confused, blinded by things I convinced myself were truth. Part of me feels shitty for what I’ve done, but the other part of me feels relieved that it’s over. Wow is all I can say. It’s an amazing feeling. What I have come to realize is this….I actually, honestly, and truly prefer women to men. I know a lot of you who may read this are screaming bullshit and that’s alright…it’s been hard for me to process too and this is my life we are talking about. I’ve made so many mistakes and I have been so unhappy. And one of the things I realized that has caused me sooo much pain over the years is the way I am with men. Every time I’ve been with one I felt alone. Afterwards I felt like a discarded tissue. I flirt heavily and come on really strong and it has been nothing but manipulation on my part. It was a game. A challenge to see how much I could get away with. Could I convince them to take me home…could I convince them to stay. That’s not love….that’s horrible. I’m sorry I did that. I mean not that most of these men care that I am sorry but, I am sorry to myself the most. My mind has always been on huntress mode. Men are easy to manipulate…but in the end I never got what I was looking for because I was looking in the wrong place and I was only manipulating myself. I am shocked that it took me so long to figure out what I was doing to myself. The abuse I have suffered over the years has been at the hand of men…and my own mind. Telling myself I wasn’t good enough, that I didn’t look the right way, that all I was good for was sex, and that was suppose to be my happiness. A husband, a house, kids and maybe a dog. That was what I was convinced was ultimately my fate. Ive been brainwashing myself and tearing myself down for years. And now I see it. I love women. I love they way they look. I love the way their eyes seem softer, everything is a bit softer even with a strong woman. They are still women. I like the sound of a woman’s voice. I love hugs from a woman. Even when they are quick and strong, there’s a softness, a tenderness, a warmth there that I have been missing out on. They are what’s been missing from my life. At this particular moment in time, I am only interested in one woman…but if things don’t pan out and we end up just staying friends than at least I have an amazing friend to thank for helping me find myself…for making me think. She didn’t ask me to, it just came to me. She’s all I think about and I’ve never felt a connection so strong before, it’s very scary. So I started to think why it was so strong….why did I feel the need to always have her around, or always want her around. Why did I always want to be near her. For one I truly am in love with her. For all that she is, not just what she looks like. I love her for the change she has stirred in me and for indirectly helping me to finally open my eyes. I feel like over the course of the rest of my life, I will go through pain and heartache but, I really believe it will pale in comparisson to what I have already suffered. I finally see what’s been missing this whole time. It’s been her and her love. *Dries off from the shower* *Get’s dressed* *Sits down* You could knock me over with a feather right now. I feel like I can finally breathe.
I take medicine to sleep and sometimes I wish I’d sleep forever
I’m not the brightest crayon in the box. My intentions are often good. I am a liar. I make mistakes. Sometimes I am no good. I am in love. I am confusing. I am confused. I have moments of clarity. I am bipolar. I am weak. I am strong. I love to sing. I long for the ultimate truth…something relevant to me. I try to live with no regrets. I have regrets. Tomorrow isn’t promised. I’m hopeful. I’m so lost. I’m right where I am suppose to be. I am enough. I am nothing. I am pathetic. I’m a role-model. I’m a human being. I’m a monster. I am honest. I am horrible. I believe I can do better. I’m not so sure. I want to be better. I am trying. I can see myself clearly. Why is my reflection so blurry?